Trauma Part 1: An Unwelcome Visitor
Trauma. Talking about trauma and its long-term affect is incredibly important during this difficult time.
For some of us, the pandemic is our first encounter with a traumatic experience. But for others, it’s a visit with an unwelcome relative. We know that living in a stressful environment causes trauma that impacts lives for many years to come.
“When we think about traumatic events, it’s not just what the event is, it’s really your interpretation and what the event causes for you,” Luana Marques, clinical psychologist and associate professor in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, tells CNBC Make It (April, 2020). This could explain why it seems some people can “get over” or “deal” with things easier than others. Traumatic experiences are extremely personal, and how we interpret them is very subjective. The critical pieces to recovering from trauma are acknowledgement and treatment.
Besides dealing with the serious effects of Covid-19, how many of you are in a toxic and difficult relationship? If not now, have you ever been? When I was much younger, I thought I was in love. This man had a smile that could light up any room, and he made me laugh. When he was in a good mood, he made me feel loved and beautiful. But, he was an addict. And when he was using or crashing, he was not a nice person. He was violent, abusive, hurtful, and angry. What he did to me happened more than 27 years ago, but I still experience the negative effects of this traumatic and toxic relationship. I used to feel like I deserved being treated like crap. I never felt like I was good enough; I felt ugly, stupid, and unworthy. As I became more successful in my career and I was doing okay raising my kids, it appeared from the outside that I had my shit together. But I didn’t. There were deep, open wounds that were left to fester.
I turned to compulsive shopping to feel better. The more stuff I had, the better I told myself I would feel. The only problem was, it didn’t help. What was worse, I wasn’t using my own money to shop. I was using a work issued credit card. When I first started this, I fully intended to pay back every penny I spent. But things spiraled out of control quickly. Before I knew it, I had spent so much money there was no way I could pay it back. Worse yet, what I was doing was illegal and wrong.
I was back to loathing myself. I knew better. I wasn’t morally bankrupt or inept. I was raising two kids with strong religious and family values; to be responsible citizens. How could I be such a hypocrite? It was all so disgusting. I had created a mess for myself, and I saw no way out. About 8 or 9 months into this, just as my school was about to go through an audit, I met with my boss and confessed everything that I had done.
The very next day I was fired; ten days before Anthony was to graduate from high school, and the day we celebrated Nick’s 10th birthday. I lost my job, I lost my livelihood, I lost everything I had worked towards since returning to school as a young 22-year-old mother. I lost our home. I lost my credentials. I lost my retirement savings. I lost my dignity. I lost the trust and confidence of people I admired and respected, and whose relationships I valued. I was facing jail time. It was the lowest point of my life.
Why am I sharing this with you? I never received mental health support for the trauma endured while in that toxic and abusive relationship; however, if I had learned to acknowledge and address my pain, then maybe I wouldn’t have covered it up with destructive behavior. Most of the time, we don’t know why we behave the way we do when we harm ourselves, have outbursts, become withdrawn, or become moody, but if you have suffered trauma, I bet that you have not had an opportunity to heal.
The negative effects of Covid-19 will take many years to overcome. Dealing with the fear and worry of losing everything will have an extreme impact on your overall health. Science shows us that toxic stress lowers the immune system and floods the body with the negative hormone, cortisol.
The Orange Country Register reports startling evidence that Covid-19 is having a detrimental effect on our mental health. According to an article they published on April 19, 2020, the Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services in Los Angeles “took 22 calls on the suicide and disaster helplines related to coronavirus” in February. In March, “that number soared to 1,800 calls — more than an 8,000% increase.”
We MUST commit to helping each other through this. We MUST commit to being better as we come out on the other side of Covid-19. We MUST stay connected, make community health a commitment, and acknowledge the scars that Covid-19 will leave behind. Our health as a nation, and our health as families depend on it.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, isolated more than usual, alone, withdrawn, tired; if you are drinking alcohol or using drugs to cope, or are in an abusive situation, PLEASE do not hesitate to contact a local health provider. You are likely dealing with trauma. United Way’s 211 hotline is a good place to start. There are local resources we can point you to in your communities. If you know of a valuable resource, please share it so we can connect others in need.
Next week I will share more about my journey and belief in second chances. Stay well.
Lori