In The Eye of the Hurricane, It's Hard to See Clear Skies
I received an email late last week from a single mom who is at home with her six kids. It began with, “This is really hard!” She went on to share the many challenges her family is facing, ending with, “I cannot do this.”
My first reaction to that email was anger. Forgive my language, but I was pissed at the effect this disgusting virus is having on our lives. But, then I took a deep breath (read- last week’s blog) and realized my reaction wasn’t rooted in anger, it was really rooted in grief. I have been going through Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s stages of grief and loss; maybe you have, too.
Our old way of life is over, if not just disrupted for the time being, and the process of adjusting to this new way of life has been challenging, at best. As the mom continued in her email, “At first, it was kind of fun, doing the stay-at-home thing, But it’s not anymore.” She had passed through the first stage, and probably the second, and was moving towards the third.
The first stage of grief is denial---confusion, elation, and avoidance. Then comes anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. One can go back and forth, skip stages, and experience all of them at the same time. In thinking about this process, I am taking the liberty to add my own underlying characteristic to the stages, the one that pushes you through and gets you to a place where you are stronger and more equipped to persist, and that is GRIT. Grit can be described as ferocious determination to persevere, or unyielding courage in the face of hardship. When I responded to this mom I wanted her to know that she was heard and felt, but mostly that she had it IN her to get through this. You show me a single mom and I’ll show you an example of grit. It’s built into who we are and what we do for our kids.
This week I was supposed to continue to write about health and wellness, with a focus on nutrition. But that felt trite. Right now, most of us are doing what we can with what we have, so I’ll save that post for another day. Instead, I want to write about grit. It feels more appropriate considering the terrible news we’re receiving each day and the general outlook on the near future, but mostly because for those of us who raise kids on our own, these current circumstances feel insurmountable. But, they’re not. We can do this. I’m with you. I am going to survive this. So are you. I’m not a quitter. Neither are you.
A few years ago, I read Angela Duckworth’s book Grit (2016). I picked it up in the airport book store right before heading to speak to a group of moms at the Jeremiah Program, Minneapolis campus. I read the entire book on that 3.5-hour flight and I made grit the theme of my talk that night.
“ “Grit is about working on something so much that you’re willing to stay loyal to it.”
Angela Duckworth writes that “Grit is about working on something so much that you’re willing to stay loyal to it.” When I read that line in her book I thought, Oh my God!! That’s me as a single mom determined to provide for her children all on her own. Some people might hear that and think, well…yeah of course you do that as a parent. But no, that’s not at all true. For over 20 years, I have worked with young people whose parents have failed them, have abandoned them, or who never had the desire to fully engage with them. That’s not me. And, I know that’s not you.
Duckworth also explains that GRIT is a combination of PASSION and PERSEVERANCE. It’s described like this: Passion= consistency over time, enduring devotion. Perseverance= ability to adapt and overcome. She writes, “Did you know that one of the mottos for the Green Berets, the most elite special forces group in the American military is Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome?” That really should be the motto for single moms everywhere! Especially now. There is no doubt that we are a passionate bunch. We would do anything for our kids. But, in my opinion, it is the perseverance that really gets us through.
I have a ton of examples about both passion and perseverance, but I want to share this light-hearted (though it wasn’t at the time) story as an example of adapting and overcoming; a story that offers a glimpse into the life of a single mom struggling to make things work, but finding a way. And, an example of why I know that single-parents have an uncanny desire to survive and thrive, for themselves and their kids.
When we don’t have any money, which for me has been the better part of my adult life, we feel like we are drowning. I often asked myself, why in the hell does it seem so easy for some people but for me, it’s a daily struggle? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get my shit together?
““Did you know that one of the mottos for the Green Berets, the most elite special forces group in the American military, is Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome?”
My relationship with money has always been as toxic as my relationship with men. When I had it, it was everything. I felt like I was on top of the world. When it was gone, I felt worthless and sad. It’s a weird thing, but I don’t think I’m alone. I remember one time I had to take Anthony to urgent care for something when he was about 12. Anyway, at the end of the appointment, the medical assistant told me I owed a co-pay of $10. I thought it would be covered by my insurance, and fully expected to walk out of there without paying out of pocket. Well, actually, I was praying that was the case because I didn’t have any money. I didn’t have a credit card or an emergency stash of cash in the glove compartment of my car…I had nothing. I played it all cool, telling her that I forgot my wallet at home; I knew she knew I was lying because it was the middle of the afternoon, I was coming from work, and when I arrived I showed them Anthony’s insurance card which I took out of my wallet! Anyways, I told her I was going to run home to grab my wallet, and I’d leave Anthony as collateral. What the hell! Who does that? I left my son sitting in the urgent care reception area so I could run home and search for money I didn’t have.
It was absolute lunacy and desperation. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out how I was going to come up with $10. So…I went home which was about 7 minutes from urgent care. I sat crying on the couch, praying to God that one day I would have money and more importantly I would know how to manage it. I hated living paycheck to paycheck. I hated borrowing from my parents or the crappy payday loan place on the corner. I hated being in debt and feeling stressed near the end of every month. I just wanted some breathing room. It was right then that I remembered my kids had piggy banks that held all their coins given to them for odd jobs they would do. I ran and grabbed those banks, shook the money out and felt sheer joy, like I just hit the freakin’ lottery! I could go get my son back! I stepped up to the counter at the urgent care office and dumped $10 in pennies, nickels, dimes, and a few quarters onto the counter. I was humiliated and relieved. Anthony stood next to me with a face of absolute embarrassment, but awe. I couldn’t quite tell if he thought I was super woman or a crazy woman. I didn’t care. I paid that stupid co-pay and crossed that urgent care off the list of places we could go back to. How could I ever face those people again? Shame…it’s all too common a feeling when you’re broke.
I know that’s a silly little story, but it’s an honest glimpse into my life as a single mom, and what I did to survive. It’s those times from where I draw strength. Recalling all the small victories, the times we found solutions and made situations work. Adjusted schedules. Made compromises. Found the money. The times we were laser-focused and savvy. The times we stuck things out because we knew at the end there would be the promise of something better. That’s why we have what it takes to get through this crappy time. We’ve got GRIT. We are tough. We can be the drill sergeant all day long with the kids and once they’re in bed we can sit on the couch and cry our eyes out, knowing that when the sun rises, the eyes need to be dry and the armor needs to be back on. We are problem-solvers, decision-makers, tough-as-nails women who can move mountains to make sure our children have what they need, and that we survive.
To close, I’d be irresponsible if I didn’t acknowledge that Angela Duckworth’s book is about much more than passion and perseverance, and I am certainly not trying to give an abridged version in this post. The book is worth reading and contains valuable research and evidence-based information about success that I find compelling. What I am trying to do is to remind all of us, especially those who are single mothers, that you have overcome many, many obstacles, maybe none like the ones we face today, but obstacles nonetheless. If you could do that, you can do this. Like I told the mom who emailed me last week, “Step away for a minute and breathe. I hope that doesn’t sound condescending. But I know that when you’re in the eye of the hurricane, it’s hard to see clear skies. I will help you see them. You will get through this because you have what it takes.” You have GRIT.
If anything in this post resonates with you, let me know. If you hate what I’m writing about, let me know. If you love it, let me know that, too. I am here to listen, commiserate with, laugh with, or help to point you in the right direction. I know when I connect with you, I feel stronger. I feel seen and heard. I feel alive.
Until next week,
Lori